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I’m honestly not sure what to talk about first with this title. I don’t anticipate this to be a very long review, mostly because I’m so far beyond frustrated with the game that I don’t even want to talk about it anymore. But this information needs to be heard, and this game is in desperate need of some real criticism. The fluffy scores dished out by the various review sites seem evident of publisher buy-in. I guess that works, "I pay you enough money to advertise the game, you’d better give it a damned good score!" Not in my books! You don’t pay my bills, so I can bash the shit out of this sorry-ass game!

OK, that might be taking it a bit far. I can’t make such a dubious claim without presenting some sort of reason for my scrutiny, right?

Red Dead Redemption takes place at the dawn of the Mexican Revolution, and your character, *says in a Western voice* Mister John Marston, is stuck in the midst of a civilization that can’t seem to make up their damned mind about anything. I felt there were some strong tie-ins to the political climate of today, which wouldn’t be atypical of Rockstar, but there just wasn’t enough for me to rant and rave about the story much more than that. A majority of the dialog takes place on horseback or riding a carriage, which blends already screaming voices with the constant patter of hooves and dirt. Sure, it helps set the mood of the game, but I’m not sitting right next to the fart who’s squeaking, and I had a hard time telling what the hell they were talking about. No, I won’t turn captions on, for the same reason I don’t text and drive. Duh.

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Roger Ebert

Roger Ebert, some famed and worshiped movie critic, recently rebutted a previous rebuttal he’d made years ago about video games, originally rebutting that they "could not be art." So then this other wildly unknown dood by the name of Clive Barker had something to say about that statement, rebutting that Ebert "thinks you can’t have art if there is that amount of malleability in the narrative."

Ebert was quick to revise and extend his remarks on his flawed video game statement, most likely to reduce the amount of hatemail he’s probably getting from angry video game nerds all over the universe and YouTube. "What I should have said is that games could not be high art, as I understand it." Great Job(!) clearing up that statement, guy! You’ve now left your haters with something to scratch their heads about before blasting you with spiteful emails; I mean, of course, pondering on what exactly Ebert’s version of "high" might be.

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My mother blessed me with a magical grocery bag this past weekend. Its contents? A mint condition Nintendo 64. Accompanying it were of course the cables, an original gray controller with an analog stick still in great shape, Rumble Pak, Controller Pak (memory card), the console Memory Expansion Pak, and a plethora of games.

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Sooo... the demo for Forza 3 came out yesterday. Have you played it yet? It really hasn’t been that long since Forza 2 didn’t leave my drive for months. Two years, really, at the most, and it definitely doesn’t feel like it’s been that long. What I’m getting at is that confusion ensued the excitement of the trailer for this game. I didn’t understand why they’d be releasing the next version so soon.

After doing some research, I’ve come to my own conclusion that it’s either A) a stab a making bank this Christmas season, or B) an attempt to steal some more Gran Turismo fans with yet another awesome racing sim before they have the chance to stick to their brand loyalty with Polyphony. Did I mention that Gran Turismo 5 hasn’t come out yet? Did I mention that it had been pushed back again to Spring 2010? Oh... well, Gran Turismo 5 hasn’t come out yet, and won’t until Spring 2010.

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Yes, definitely biased; though, not biased in the way you might think. I, for one, will spill it straight up that I love this game as well as it’s predecessor on the original Xbox. I’m more than positive, however, that there is a plethora of people out there that absolutely loathe this franchise, and are keen to spouting off the creator, Peter Molyneux’s, name like they have beer with him every Friday. For some ungodly reason, they’ve had a horrible experience with either title, or have heard enough about someone else’s horrible experience to never want to play the game and take the stance of being the stubborn shit-head they are and not actually play it for themselves and declare independent thought.

I’m here, today, to be one of those people; a shit-head. You’re going to read a review on this game from a perspective of one that thinks less of Fable II than they might of their ex. For if one in favor of the title were to look past the charm, glamor, and tuxedo that is the game’s reputation by those that worship it, it’s actually quite easy to call the game out on its shortcomings. Because in all honesty, this game needs a lot of work.

Let’s talk about graphics! Those things that make up the reason the video game industry is still around, right? The glimmering shiny display of neatly organized polygons blended with a unique art style that, from things small to tall, look like they came straight out of a fairy-tale book. Take these concepts and mash them all together to form bland and generic templated houses, shops, towns, and wooded areas. What indeed looks absolutely amazing on paper (and it does... see concept artwork below) doesn’t end up looking all that stellar in a video game.

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It’s no question that Sony has nearly isolated themselves in the video game industry. Rushing an overpriced console on an anticipative people with absolutely no software to make up for the complete lack of profit on the console was nothing short of a poor business move. The integrated Blu-ray made it a cheap and upgradable DVD player in comparison, but $599 for a new game console was a budget dent very few people braved.

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Everybody and their mother knows I dislike sports games. And if you don’t, I’ll tell you now:

Sports games are usually those sloppy, redundant, boring piles of fail that publishers scrape from the bottom of their development queue...usually. That’s not to say I wouldn’t work for a studio that strictly develops sports games — with the exception of Tiburon of course — but I am saying that they must be the most overworked & underpaid game designers in the industry. Sports games are so overrated that most people who play them religiously are so blindly pumped about the game itself being released a whole year(!) after the previous one that they’ve been failing to see horrid workmanship for over twenty years.

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I’ve been getting comments from coworkers about how picky I am when it comes to gaming. The truth is, I’m just a snob when it comes to my favorite hobby/passion/whatever you wanna call it. Sometimes, though, it’s just that I hate sh*tty games. Period.

I hate sports games. What in the bloody hell is the point in releasing an entirely new disc, every single year, most of the time including nothing different than an updated roster? Ever heard of DLC? Is there seriously so much changing in the game that one disc with a yearly $20, $30, even $40 downloadable upgrade or patch couldn’t cure? I doubt it. They still use cardboard cutouts for the audience; I mean, come on! The latest issue of Game Informer has shots from Madden 2010, another fantastic franchise by NFL bed-buddy, EA. I’m unfortunately unable to locate said cardboard cutouts due to the focal range of the real-time depth-of-field introduced. Sneaky bastards.

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Nintendo announced a new Metroid game slated for 2010. From the looks of it, there seems to be a lot of Super Metroid gameplay elements; specifically around 1:27 - Mother Brain using the eye-laser on the super-metroid.

I dunno. I was excited as all hell when I was waiting for the video to load up for the first time. Overall, though, I just wasn’t all that thrilled. Call me old fashioned, but I’m just not all that thrilled about the studio making the next Metroid title being the developer best know in the game industry for...

OK, enough staring. Back to work...

The sequel to THE best racing game ever made was announced today; and with a sooner-than-later release date of October ‘09. Forza Motorsport 3 called me up today at work to completely and utterly destroy my lunch with mere minutes of video-watching car-game porn. One can’t even help but chuckle at the fact that the miracle workers at Turn 10 will have released TWO Forza titles in the time it’s taken Polyphony to make ONE demo of Gran Turismo 5.

By any means, I’m no PlayStation hater. I don’t own a PS3, and I’ve gone out of my way to make sure I’ve made reviews for multi-platform games as unbiased as I can. Sony’s units had always been my console of choice until around the time Midnight Club 2 came out and Xbox LIVE hit it off. I’m not bashing them at all by saying they need to get their act together, but I’m sorry, the GT5 demo sucked ass. The same boring menu music, car lineup, and imaginary track selection has gotten old. Get a clue.

Observe...and require a change of underwearz as I did.

Source: ForzaMotorsport.net