Blogspamz – Now with moar smartz!!

Posted by SpaghettiOh on Wednesday, June 24th, 2009 in Rants

So I loaded up my dashboard today and widened my eyes as I quietly & internally got excited to see that I’ve got 3 whole spam comments to chuckle over!

The suspense.

The first comment I’d like to share with you comes from our good friend in the Ukraine, Pupskievua [Poop-skee-ev-wah]. Pupskievua may have been so eager to comment on my blog about being a video game snob that he/she/they probably lost all consciousness yielding to how awesome I am and left the following:

I wish I could watch myself...watching washing.

Why, good evening to you, Pupskievua! … Wait, you didn’t help me with anything. … Independent girls … Huh? Really, though, “look how I look” makes this comment. I understand this a couple of ways:

  1. You want me to be in awe as to your appearance.
  2. Dood, I hate to break it to ya, but I can’t see your ass. All you provided was a link to a NSFW Free-Ukrainian Escort website where I can order naked companions to accompany me during my trip to the Ukrainian capitol. You didn’t even provide me with a link to your faceyspacepage either! So how exactly should I look? You’re not giving me many options here, person!

  3. You want me to use my eyes to perceive you and your extreme ability to use your eyes to perceive a noun.
  4. The only time I enjoy watching someone else watching something else is during a tennis match. An entire stadium full of cats quietly gazing upon a small neon-colored fuzz-coated rubber ball moving from one finely tuned athletic machine to another in rapid succession while the sounds of grunts and moans playback like the men’s restroom during halftime of a kraut-eating contest. Even awesomer is when you can’t actually see the court or any of its action and all you see is the audience. That’s fun. Go ahead…visualize it.

I’m sorry, Pupskievua, but you fail. 🙁

The next exhibit of interest is our confused chum, How I Make $300 a Day Online.

Hi! I'm How I Make $300 a Day Online, and I'm here to show you how I make $300 a day online!
Two words; one when hyphenated: “Douche-bag.”

Wow, seriously? Your name is a WikiHow article title? Awesomez! Thank you so much for showing me to your website where I can read about your life drama and your quest to find the holy grail of holy grails: The Google Cash Secret Kit! You must be so rich now that you can afford a scanner that can scan checks without a watermark showing up! I MUST LEARN YOUR SECRETZ!

Out of curiosity and a desire for content for this post, I decided to do a search on what this tool, Mike Smithson, had to offer. O Google Cash Secret Kit, art thou a legitimate loophole in one of Google’s many money making programs? Turns out this Amway-wannabe showed up on Facebook one day with the following image and these enlightened words of wisdom for a caption:

I'm in ur drivewayz snapin picz with ur carz!
“I’m the guy you see driving down the street in a bright red Ferrari with the top down, and you stop and think to yourself, ‘What a fool!’ And you know what? You’re probably right. But so what? Do you really think I value your opinion? I’m rich, I honestly could NOT care less.”

Clearly a 100×100 ad can assist anyone to their realization that money and material possessions are the key to happiness and apparently dickdom. People honestly fall for this bullshit? First of all, you can’t put the top down on a Ferrari Enzo, idiot. Secondly, are you honestly going to believe that the keys to a $500,000 European exotic belong to some scrawny poser in a Banana Republic button-up and flip-flops? GTFO. The guy in this picture must’ve been flattered when he found out the reputation he gained with all the morons that actually succumbed to that level of peer pressure. Let me tell ya, if some pimp-lookin’ nobody standing next to a half-million-dollar car he wasn’t actually getting in or out of told me where there was money to be made, guarantee I’d be first in line to the ‘Pay Us $2 So We Can Have Your Credit Card Info’ store! Come on man… These types of cases should be labeled something other than “identity theft”. I’m thinking “identity surrender” is a bit more appropriate.

I approve almost every comment that comes into the queue unless it’s just so totally incoherent that it shares absolutely no relevance to the known universe and its inhabitants. I welcome the new era of spam that pulls content from your articles and rewords it to make it look like the bot that wrote it actually read your post. You entertain me with your keyword logic and grammatical rewrites! Keep firing, assholes!